WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports have surfaced of a squirrel wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat scurrying away as the National Christmas Tree came crashing down.
Capitol Police have launched a city-wide hunt for the dangerous insurrectionist, who has thus far evaded every trap. "We are currently investigating the attack on the National Christmas Tree as an act of domestic terrorism," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "This was not simply a squirrel jumping from limb to limb, all nimbly-bimbly. No, this was an assault on democracy itself."
Investigators believe the squirrel may have had accomplices, as literally thousands of squirrels have been spotted around the location where the tree fell. Police have reportedly apprehended dozens of squirrels and tossed them into solitary confinement, but thus far none have been willing to give up any information on the outlaw. Former House Representatives Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger have traveled to D.C. to personally join in the hunt for the violent revolutionary, though officers say Kinzinger has thus far spent the entire day crying.
At publishing time, former President Trump had invited the squirrel to Mar-A-Lago to discuss a potential role in his next administration.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
