DUBLIN — Ireland's Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced that under the nation's new hate speech laws, asking an immigrant to stop stabbing you will now be considered a hate crime.
"We will not tolerate racist slurs such as, 'Please, stop stabbing me, I'm dying'. That sort of hate has no home here in Ireland," said Varadkar. "The vile, xenophobic backlash against people stabbing people ends today."
According to sources, the new hate speech law will also require those being stabbed to keep their eyes closed so as not to develop any sort of prejudice against the attacker. In addition to outlawing whining about being stabbed, the law will also apply to protesting against someone stabbing children. "If a person's culture dictates that they need to stab children from Irish culture, who are we to say which culture is right?" said Varadkar. "Asking people to assimilate into a non-stabbing culture is xenophobia at its absolute worst."
Citizens across Ireland have debated the merits of the new law, however no one outside of Ireland could understand a single word of what was said. Famed mixed martial artist Conor McGregor has become the voice of those opposed to dystopian government overreach, openly defying the Prime Minister to arrest him. Irish police have reportedly attempted to arrest McGregor, but McGregor eluded capture by doing his weird little "Billionaire Strut".
At publishing time, the Prime Minister had announced that for next Saint Patrick's Day the government will hand out stickers to citizens reading, "Kill me, I'm Irish."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
