U.S.A. — After careful consideration, America has decided that religious people can still be allowed in society, so long as they aren't one of those psychos who actually believe their religion.
"Oh sure, Christians are welcome here! Just not the ones who buy into that Christianity crap," said Harvard's Dean of Admissions, Dr. Reginald Billings. "We obviously cannot tolerate those bigots who genuinely believe the Bible or want to tell people Jesus died for their sins. So, if you can just be a Christian without believing or doing any of those Christian things, we will graciously stomach your existence."
Those who do not believe a word of the Bible, but still for some reason call themselves Christian, may still hold jobs in medicine or academia. "We have made it clear that anyone who really holds to a backwards, ignorant faith that maintains the sanctity of life shouldn't even be allowed to practice medicine," said Dr. Emma Bartlett, President of The Ohio State University School of Medicine. "We are working hard to kick those ingrates out of every school, every form of media, and every form of employment. Frankly we would like to simply push them all into the sea, to borrow a great phrase from the Middle East."
Although worried their children may have no choice but to become Amish to survive, American Christians recognize the current prevailing societal views are nothing new. "Honestly, it will be kind of nice in a few years when the people who don't believe a word of the Apostle's Creed finally just bow to the pressure and drop the term Christian," said local pastor Dan Burgess. "Sure, our congregation will shrink at first. But the word 'Christian' has become so meaningless in America, we need a refining fire to burn us back down to a Church that knows what it believes, and in whom it believes. If we have to be forcibly pushed out of public schools, universities, even employment to do so - so be it. We are in His hands."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
