DOHA, QATAR — The World Cup courted controversy this week after one of the teams continued racking up an obscene number of points even after it was clear they were already poised to win 1-0. Their aggressiveness has been labeled "cruel," and they are facing accusations of "running up the score" leading to their 2-0 blowout victory.
"There was no call for that," said Team Captain Kurt Ickball to reporters after the bruising loss, holding back sobs and wiping away nascent tears with old soccer socks. "When they were up by 1-0 with only 25 minutes left in the game, their win was in the bag – why they kept playing so hard is beyond me, unless they were trying to pad their stats or just be cruel."
The practice of "running up the score" is often condemned in the sports world, but especially in soccer, as the players are known for their physical and emotional fragility. Most consider a one-point win or a tie to be the only honorable way to end a game.
Spectators at the game disagree, however, as the unusually high score of "2" helped to distract them from the fact that they were all sober due to Qatar's ban on alcohol.
At publishing time, the winning team had apologized for the 2-0 blowout, as well as for allowing Ted Lasso to trick U.S. viewers into thinking soccer is enjoyable.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.