SIMPSONVILLE, SC - Despite working from home, local man Jarron Bullenix learned today that his lifestyle is anything but sedentary when he rose for his second cupboard visit before noon, causing his Apple Watch to congratulate him for hitting his daily "Stand" goal.
"Well done - you just hit your stand goal for the day!" The buzzing watch at first startled Jarron, but eyewitnesses confirm that a smile crept across his face when he realized he was being recognized for achieving another trip to the kitchen for Kettle Chips and trail mix.
"Usually it's all bad news with this contraption, and at the worst times too," Jarron said. "This 'well done' sure beats the 'Weekly Screen Time Report' guilting me every Sunday morning in the middle of church, and the same with the 'Time To Stand!' notification hitting while I'm binging a Netflix show."
Apple sets automatic exercise goals based on baseline levels of activity, so Jarron's watch also asks him "Have you started a workout?" during his walks to the bathroom, sends him "High Heart Rate" notifications when he gets winded descending the stairs while carrying his laptop, and awards him for reaching his daily steps goal when he shuffles around his small yard to water the plants in the evening.
At publishing time, Jarron's watch prompted him to do a 60-second deep-breathing exercise because the watch sensors were alerted that he had settled back down for computer work at his desk and his body resumed a stationary position, including forgetting to breathe.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
