PROVIDENCE, RI—According to sources close to local man Anthony Anderson, the single man who neither has kids nor has any plans to get married and produce children stays up late into the evening debating the merits of paedobaptism on the internet.
The armchair theologian posts memes, jokes, and fallacious arguments about whether or not Christians should baptize their young children into his favorite Reformed Facebook group each and every evening.
“I usually go until about 2 am,” he said. “Unless I’m really on fire with how many snowflakes I’m triggering with my rock-solid arguments—then, I’ll stay up all night if I have to, in order to show these guys how right I am.”
The man says it’s “spiritually really good” for him to spend hours passive-aggressively sparring with other Christians on the doctrine of paedobaptism, though it has almost no bearing on his life whatsoever.
“They will know we’re Christians by how right we are,” he said.