WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the House Judiciary Committee meeting in which Ben Shapiro lawfully acquired full ownership of Democrat representative Eric Swalwell by means of facts and logic, the conservative co-founder of the Daily Wire has graciously agreed to share joint ownership of his new liberal with the Chinese, who claim that they owned Swalwell first.
Sources say that Shapiro was just finishing mopping the floor of the Capitol with Swalwell's opprobrious physiognomy when Fang-Fang, the female Chinese operative with whom Swalwell was illicitly involved, contacted Shapiro to tell him to "back off, since the Chinese Communist Party has first dibs on Swalwell."
"And I said, of course not, you shouldn't have had him in the first place," Shapiro recalled, sipping casually from a glass full of liberal tears on the rocks. "US property law is completely on my side. Now, I know what you're thinking — he's already been in bed with the Chinese for years. And the fact is, folks, let me tell you something: how ‘bout we go shares and split him fifty-fifty?"
According to sources close to the situation, Shapiro will now officially own Swalwell on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, while the Chinese will get the Democrat representative on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, and both will alternate on consecutive Sundays.
At publishing time, the Chinese were contacting Shapiro to tell him that the other Democrat representatives he owned with facts and logic actually belonged to them first, too.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
