MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The effects of the Trump administration's sweeping reforms in government funding have trickled down to different industries, as a serial killer found himself out of a job after a local Planned Parenthood was forced to close its doors.
After enjoying a lucrative job, sadistically extinguishing human lives on a daily basis, Fred Halverson said he was now without gainful employment as an experienced serial killer due to the abortion provider losing its federal funding.
"What's a hardworking murderer supposed to do now?" Halverson asked. "I spent a lot of time at Planned Parenthood putting my skills to good use. Now, thanks to Donald Trump and his fascist policies, I lost my serial-killing job. Planned Parenthood is closing so many of its locations across the country. It's not exactly easy to find work as a serial killer. It's a pretty niche field, believe it or not. McDonald's isn't hiring for any murdering positions. I asked."
Without a Planned Parenthood to work at, Halverson said he may be forced to find a job in another field and do his serial killing in his free time. "It's not ideal, but I guess you have to do what you have to do," he said. "It's a shame that I can't get paid to murder dozens of children every day, but I'll find another way to pay the bills and go back to killing as a hobby. It was great while it lasted."
At publishing time, Halverson was reportedly considering moving to Canada to put his serial killing experience to use in a job as a healthcare professional.
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