MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The effects of the Trump administration's sweeping reforms in government funding have trickled down to different industries, as a serial killer found himself out of a job after a local Planned Parenthood was forced to close its doors.
After enjoying a lucrative job, sadistically extinguishing human lives on a daily basis, Fred Halverson said he was now without gainful employment as an experienced serial killer due to the abortion provider losing its federal funding.
"What's a hardworking murderer supposed to do now?" Halverson asked. "I spent a lot of time at Planned Parenthood putting my skills to good use. Now, thanks to Donald Trump and his fascist policies, I lost my serial-killing job. Planned Parenthood is closing so many of its locations across the country. It's not exactly easy to find work as a serial killer. It's a pretty niche field, believe it or not. McDonald's isn't hiring for any murdering positions. I asked."
Without a Planned Parenthood to work at, Halverson said he may be forced to find a job in another field and do his serial killing in his free time. "It's not ideal, but I guess you have to do what you have to do," he said. "It's a shame that I can't get paid to murder dozens of children every day, but I'll find another way to pay the bills and go back to killing as a hobby. It was great while it lasted."
At publishing time, Halverson was reportedly considering moving to Canada to put his serial killing experience to use in a job as a healthcare professional.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
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