SACRAMENTO, CA — As the federal government takes steps to attempt to solve a myriad of problems facing the Golden State, a furious Governor Gavin Newsom told reporters he won't stand silently by while Trump fixes California.
While the Trump administration continued to conduct deportation operations throughout California cities, and the Department of Education proposed a plan to prevent males from competing in K-12 girls' sports, Newsom pledged to do everything in his power to prevent Trump from solving any of California's severe issues.
"As long as I'm breathing, California will remain on the brink of destruction," an angry Newsom told the media. "I've worked too hard for too long to dismantle this state brick by brick, so I'm not just going to sit here while Donald Trump flushes it all down the toilet by fixing our problems. Californians have my word — I am just as firmly committed to wrecking this beautiful state as I was the day I took office."
The governor made it very clear that this struggle was an existential crisis for the state. "Make no mistake, this battle with Trump will decide California's fate," he said. "On one side, you have a brighter future, a chance to live a safe and happy life with your family, and affordable food, housing, and energy. On the other side, you have me. Which path will you choose, California? Stand by me, and I promise to finish the destructive job I started."
At publishing time, Newsom was unavailable for further comment as his entire staff had been deported.
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