AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico was busy campaigning today when he noticed that the time had reached 5 PM. That meant that it was time for his daily ritual: painting some stubble on his face.
Witnesses said Talarico quickly excused himself to the bathroom, pulled out his makeup kit, and then quietly chanted, "I'm a man! I'm a man," while delicately using a thin brush to apply what looked like the early growth of whiskers to his chin.
After he was done, Talarico emerged from the bathroom and proclaimed that he was ready to do "manly stuff" to win over the hearts of Texans.
"I'm a tough, masculine man, as you can all clearly see from my emerging beard," he told those around him. "I just can't keep my face clean-shaven for long, I'm afraid. Way too much testosterone here. Yep. Too much of a man, I guess."
At publishing time, Talarico had briefly broken down crying when he found he'd once again have to eat meat in front of cameras, but was able to stop himself and wipe up his tears before it ruined the stubble.
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