Politics
Seattle Protesters Abolish Police, Replace With Squads Of Armed Individuals Tasked With Enforcing Set Of Agreed-Upon Rules

SEATTLE, WA—Seattle protesters have successfully abolished the police in their "autonomous zone." In their place, the leaders of the group have installed squads of armed officers who are tasked with enforcing a set of agreed-upon rules.

"We have achieved a police-free utopia," said one of the group's leaders, Taz "No Rulez" McGuffin. "Now, we are going to need someone to do the job of enforcing the rules we all decide upon and making sure everybody's safe. Instead of oppressive police, let's select a few individuals -- we'll call them 'officers' maybe -- and give them guns. They can patrol the area and stop anyone who goes against our set of laws -- err, guidelines."

"Having thrown off the shackles of the oppressive police, we now welcome these new guideline enforcement officers."

Everyone was treated the same in the utopia of equality, at least for a few hours. The leaders decided that they should have some special protections under the new guidelines and perhaps some way to collect mandatory voluntary donations from everybody to fund their efforts. Eventually, the leaders of the autonomous zone went and met with the mayor, who agreed to accept them back into Seattle proper and give the leaders cushy consulting jobs in the government.

"It was weird," said one Antifa member. "We looked from our Antifa leaders to the government officials, and from the government officials back to the Antifa leaders, and already it was impossible to say which was which."

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