DRAPER, UT — A search and rescue team was called up to locate a missing hiker who was last seen between the kitchen and pantry organization sections at his local IKEA.
Dave Mullins set off for a trek around the home goods and furniture store last week and hasn't been heard of for five nights. His wife called police, who in turn called Search and Rescue to help locate the missing hiker.
"The terrain is rough, and we've had a go at it, but we found a discarded water bottle that looks like it belongs to the hiker in the lamp and lighting section, so we think we're close," Search and Rescue Sergeant Phillup McGee told the media. "We've got our best guys in there working their way through kitchen gadgets, knicknacks you'll throw away in five months, and purple curtains your husband hates but you bought anyway."
Mullins's wife Jody says he'd been planning the trip for weeks and had been training hard to summit Rugs and Curtains, but the elements must have overtaken him.
"Dave is in great shape, but IKEA is known for being one of the hardest places to get out of. I know he's ok, but I'm just worried about him."
At publishing time, Search and Rescue said they think they have located Mullins in the warehouse trying to read the Swedish furniture names and are moving to extract him as soon as possible.
An elite force from DOGE uncovers the most absurd waste of taxpayer dollars.
