BERLIN — In a plan to deal with what many believe to be its most urgent public safety issue, Germany has committed to 100% electric vehicle terror attacks by the year 2035.
Despite tremendous leaps having been made in the battle against climate change, German officials admitted that the ongoing spate of deadly ramming incidents throughout the country was still unfortunately being mostly committed with gas-powered vehicles. The new initiative aims to change that.
"We look forward to the day when every vehicle ramming viciously into a crowd of civilians while the driver screams 'Allahu Akbar' is powered by electricity," said incoming German Chancellor Friedrich Merz. "Though we are proud of the advancements we have made to protect the environment, the presumably white German citizens committing these violent acts against innocent people are still using gas vehicles. This simply will not do. We are committed to making sure that everyone mowed down by a car in a public place will be hit by entirely electric vehicles. We take protecting our citizens very seriously."
Leading German scientists agreed that the transition was vital for the sustainability of future terror attacks. "This is the most important thing we can do for our country," said Professor Frederick Hasenpfeffer. "We all look forward to a brighter tomorrow, where we can be confident that we and our loved ones will only be sadistically run over by environmentally conscious vehicles. The future of terrorist attacks rests on this."
At publishing time, German officials were also weighing the possibility of notifying incoming Muslim migrants that they could get no-interest financing on any electric vehicle to be used in ramming attacks.
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