AUSTIN, TX—Critical Race Theory has been controversial, with some finding it to be racist itself. This has led to some states such as Texas and Florida banning teaching it to children. Some teachers, though, have found a way around the ban so they can still pass on their progressive ideals to young students.
“I was just thinking: What’s the essence of CRT?” said teacher Audrey Davidson. “And it occurred to me, we can still honor the spirit of CRT without actually teaching it — and that spirit is beating white kids with sticks for being white.”
With this new practice — carefully not labeled CRT — the teachers will go to white students and say, “This is because you’re white!” and whack the kid on the head with a stick. This way, everyone learns whiteness is bad without CRT ever coming up.
This new beating of white kids with sticks is controversial, but right now there appears to be little anyone can do about it. “They got us over a barrel on this one,” said Texas Governor Greg “Tex” Abbott, “It’s not like we can ban beating kids with sticks; this is Texas. Kids need a good stick-beating — but they should get it not because of the color of their skin but because they’re ornery. Yee-haw!”
Teachers are also considering some other practices to stealth teach CRT, such as stealing the lunch money of white kids and then giving it to minority children (though probably not to Asians).