ISRAEL—Bible scholars have agreed that Pontius Pilate didn't wash his hands long enough or thoroughly enough to avoid taking any of the responsibility for the crucifixion of Jesus.
While many have speculated over Pilate's exact handwashing technique, it's now clear that he just ran a little water over his hands before shaking the droplets off. This was a common practice at the time, with men who just used the restroom even not washing their hands at all if no other man was in the bathroom to witness them. Luckily, we have outgrown these shortcomings in modern times.
"Pilate needed to scrub his hands with soap and warm water for at least 20 seconds to avoid taking any responsibility for the crucifixion," said one researcher. "He should have sung 'Happy Birthday' twice or the 'Full House' theme song. Then, a good thorough drying with a paper towel or Dyson Airblade would have sealed the deal. As it stands, just running a little water over his hands wasn't near enough to help him avoid judgment from God."
Pontius Pilate responded to whether or not the allegations are true from the afterlife, saying, "What is truth?"
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.