WASHINGTON, D.C. - America's heroic lawmakers have managed to come together and pass a stimulus package to save the world from the effects of the coronavirus. A grateful country full of very stimulated Americans is applauding the lifesaving efforts of Congress. Already, experts are predicting the stimulus package will save the lives of at least 85,000 government programs. Sources say that with a little congressional money laundering, that figure could even double. 

"We believe that every government program's life is infinitely precious and is made in the image of its lobbyist," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "We know that if spending two trillion dollars saves the life of at least one beautiful and valuable government program, it is worth it." Scores of grateful government program directors are writing heartfelt letters of gratitude to the lawmakers who saved their lives. "We were hanging on for dear life!" said officials from the Transgender Honeybadger Diabetes Research Foundation. "After receiving this 28 million dollar grant, we can continue operating for at least 3 more weeks!"

Some other programs and studies that are being saved include the following:

• The End Violence Against Earthworms Foundation
• Mothers Against Kombucha
• Mothers For Kombucha
• Research into creating left-handed forks
• $100 million for Charlie's Angels 2: You'd Better Watch This One or We Will Call You Sexist a Second Time
• Research into recaffeinating decaffeinated coffee beans
• The Foundation for Preserving Foundations Foundation

Thanks to the leadership of Washington, Americans everywhere are learning to appreciate the infinite worth of every lawmaker's pet project. Experts believe this may mean a greater cultural shift toward a country that deeply respects life (of government programs.)