CHICAGO, IL — Textual analysis of ancient Biblical-era manuscripts by a group of University of Chicago professors has just revealed that Judas Iscariot didn't like dogs and was "more of a cat person."
According to Matt Norrel, a papyrologist and Koine expert, fragments that were probably composed contemporaneously with the Gospels indicate that Judas Iscariot hated puppies and might have owned a spiteful, grumpy old tabby who used to leave scratches all over his hands.
The fragments seem to describe an encounter between Jesus, the Twelve, and an unnamed dog.
"And Jesus saith unto the dog, 'Art thou a good boy? Who remaineth a good boy? Surely thou art, O doggo!'" the fragments read. "But on seeing the dog, one of the twelve named Judas Iscariot, fidgeteth and saith unto Bartholomew, 'Surely he is not a good boy. For I am indeed a bit more of a cat person.' Whereupon the other disciples did turn from Judas and pet the doggo. And he stroked his tabby cat and plotted to betray Jesus from thence on."
While scholars doubt that the fragments should be classified with other texts of the Gospels, the new discoveries do serve to confirm the narrative of John and the Synoptic Gospels.
"Honestly, this really checks out with the Judas we see in the Gospel accounts," Norrel said. "Treacherous, a spoilsport, unable to appreciate the fundamental goodness of the doggo? Classic Iscariot."
At publishing time, another newly discovered set of fragments indicated that Iscariot was really into lizards as well.
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