FORT WAYNE, IN — A crack team of theological scholars finally laid an age-old debate within Christendom to rest last week by concluding that the trumpets at Christ's return mean that Jesus will come back with a ska band.
The mention of a loud trumpet call in Mt. 24:30-31 has baffled Christians through the ages, but scholars are now sure that the trumpet's blast is a clear reference to Christ's glorious eschatological ska band.
"You see, Augustine and Aquinas didn't have access to the concept of a ska band, so we can't really blame their exegesis," said Rev. Dr. Rupert Frese, who was significantly involved in the discovery. "But once you look at the New Testament verses referring to trumpets all together, it's just so clear that Christ is talking about a heavenly ska band accompanying Him when He returns on the clouds."
The new insight comes as a correction for millions of American Christians who had always half-pictured the coming trumpet sound as something like the beginning of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" but with celestial trumpets.
"That makes so much sense," said Gary Calvert, a local Christian. "I can't believe I never saw the ska there before. Come quickly, Lord Jesus!"
At publishing time, scholars had also hinted that having a greater reward in heaven means that the heavenly harps could potentially be traded up for heavenly electric guitars.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
