HELL - After one of the biggest, most significant victories of his career, Satan the Prince of Darkness released a statement today touting his accomplishment of defeating the Son of God on the cross on Friday afternoon.
The statement was delivered on a broadcast from the underworld as Lucifer bragged about his "huge, absolutely epic" win killing the Messiah.
"Truly this was one of my greatest achievements," Satan said as a "Mission Accomplished" banner flashed across the screen. "We are talking one of the best wins, maybe ever. Everyone is saying so. I don't normally like to brag, but since people have been asking, yes, the rumors are true. I've killed the Son of God, mankind's only hope of salvation, and there's no chance of a comeback."
"This is huge." Satan then pulled out a copy of the Ancient Jerusalem Times and triumphantly pointed out the headline, which read, "Satan Defeats Jesus." "As you know, I love journalists -- some of my favorite people out there -- and I'm glad they got yet another story right here. Totally epic! Tremendous!"
At publishing time, Satan had been slightly troubled at the sound of a stone rolling somewhere in the distance, but he'd brushed it off and said it was "probably nothing."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
