SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what has become one of the city's most cherished traditions, San Francisco residents gathered this evening for the ceremonial lighting of the giant crack pipe.
"Who's ready to light the Holiday Crack Pipe??" shouted Mayor London Breed as the crowd cheered. "Let's get this season underway!!"
The lighting of the crack pipe has for decades served as the culmination of the 'Crack Parade' which marks the beginning of Christmas. "It's just not the Christmas season until the crack pipe has been lit," said local man Dennis Willard, watching with his family. "My son caught his own 'fun-size' crack pipe from one of the parade floats this year! We always come to the same spot to watch the parade, between a cardboard brothel and a tent owned by a mute hobo named 'Jack'. Ah, Christmas!"
As the audience began the countdown, Mayor Breed laid hold of the ceremonial blowtorch. "Three! Two! One! Light up!" shouted onlookers as the crack pipe burst into color. "Wow, it's even more beautiful than I remember!" said Donna Thomas, watching from the front. "Merry Christmas, San Francisco!"
At publishing time, the Mayor was seen with a police escort trying desperately to hold back a mob of junkies attempting to take a hit from the giant crack pipe.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.