PEARLY GATES — All was not trumpets and harps at the Pearly Gates following a surprising revelation that has really ruffled some holy vestments. Saints in Heaven were shocked to learn Catholics have been trying to talk to them this whole time.
"Wait a minute," said St. Gabriel, Archangel and Catholic patron saint of communications and voicemails. "You people have been trying to contact us for HOW long? When was someone going to tell me about this?"
"You've been what?" a befuddled Saint Peter asked incoming Catholic Tony Fenucci. "Praying to...ME? What the heck?!"
News that Catholics have been sending their prayers to saints rather than God spread across the heavens, leading to a day of conversation, confusion, and some hard finger-pointing at Biblical passages that the saints thought had been quite clear to understand.
"Forgive my frustration, but I just learned millions of Catholics have been asking me to gather up their prayers and carry them to God like some kind of messenger boy," said a palpably frustrated Saint Paul. "I'm trying to enjoy my massive mansion up here, folks!"
At publishing time, the saints had elected to save further headaches by setting their voicemail to automatically forward to Jesus.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
