WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to shore up his abysmal approval ratings and poll numbers before the 2024 campaign season begins in earnest, President Joe Biden has unveiled a revamped approach to seeking re-election, including orange hair and skin, as well as the new campaign slogan "Make the United States Superb a Second Time."
"MUSSAST BLIDLERBERGEN!" Biden shouted while wearing a baseball cap emblazoned with the new slogan at a press conference. "Listen up, folks! Here's the deal. If you elect me…re-elect me…once again…re-elect me again…another time…I'm going to take a hard line on this immigration stuff. I'm gonna build a…a…build a barrier…thing. On the border. And I'm gonna make the American people pay for it. Harvinzibergarbint!"
Sources within the Biden campaign acknowledged the changes in strategy were deemed necessary due to minor factors like the lagging economy, skyrocketing crime rates in urban areas, soaring inflation, lackluster job market, record-high energy prices, and overall disapproval of the direction of the country. "Sometimes it's nice to change things up a bit," said Biden campaign strategist Bob Backlund. "After deep discussions, we decided having a vast majority of the country hating President Biden may not be the best plan for re-election, so we're switching gears."
When asked if he was trying to emulate former President Donald Trump, Biden denied adopting Trump's presentation and platform. "That's a bunch of malarkey!" Biden shouted. "I've been in favor of border security ever since…since the time we…ever since…whenever. Make the United States Superb A Second Time, folks! MUSSAST!"
At publishing time, the Biden campaign was also preparing to have the president begin insulting his opponents on social media and give them humorous nicknames as part of its new strategy to differentiate Biden from Trump by trying to be like Trump.
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