CHICAGO, IL — In a tragic turn of events, Mayor Brandon Johnson's planned Chicago Reparations Program had to be abandoned after it turned out that everyone in Chicago was already murdered and thus could not receive reparations.
Sources claim that the news came as a stunning blow to Mayor Johnson, who had been working so hard on this initiative that he completely failed to realize the rampant crime and violence that had slowly engulfed his city.
"My fellow Chicagoan," Johnson announced to the one other living survivor in the city in a press conference. "I am incredibly saddened to bring you the news that we will be unable to enact the much-awaited racial reparations because all of our citizens who would've qualified are now dead. In fact, as I am the sole remaining person of color in the city, it seems that all of the reparations fall due to me."
"I therefore assume the weighty responsibility of taking upon myself all of my former citizens' reparations," Johnson continued. "It's what they'd want."
While several rumors outside the city indicate that searches skipped over a resident who could have been entitled to reparations because he had somehow managed to not get murdered, Mayor Johnson later revealed that he was ineligible due to being named "Steve."
At publishing time, Johnson had announced that he would be retiring to Martha's Vineyard, saying, "Now my work here is accomplished."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
