NEW YORK, NY—According to sources close to Roger Goodell, the NFL Commissioner spent a few minutes at NFL headquarters Friday wistfully watching footage of North Korean athletes singing and standing for their national anthem at various sporting events over the past several decades.
Goodell reportedly continued to shake his head and sigh as he clicked on video after video, jealous of the patriotism on display by every North Korean athlete and spectator.
“See, these guys get it,” he said as he pulled up a YouTube video of North Korean cheerleaders dancing in unison during the Winter Olympics. “It can’t be that difficult for our players to be as patriotic as all the people North Korea forces to perform at each and every sporting event. How hard is it?”
The commissioner was also reportedly impressed by North Koreans’ ability to stand, sing, and smile for the full length of the country’s national anthem. “They all look so happy, and they know every word by heart. Why can’t our football players just look happy and respectful without voicing dissent? I don’t get it.”
At publishing time, Goodell had placed a call to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un to ask how the leader was able to get his athletes to appear patriotic at each and every sporting event.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.