DALLAS, TX—Upon reading through the biblical description of the New Jerusalem Monday morning, Pastor Robert Jeffress was reportedly disappointed to discover that there was nothing indicating the heavenly city's wall would include security measures to keep Democrats from entering.
"Nothing specifically mentioning Democrats, huh," he muttered. "I'd definitely have added liberal detection technology, laser turrets, maybe some landmines just to be sure. I wonder if there's something I'm missing in the Hebrew or Greek."
"It's gotta be here somewhere," he grumbled, flipping through the pages of Ezekiel and Revelation.
But despite searching in the original languages and several commentaries on hand, Jeffress couldn't find anything lending credence to the idea that heaven would specifically exclude Democrats from entry.
At publishing time, Jeffress had suggested that heaven take a page from Trump and build its wall out of steel slats while amending its immigration policies to ensure no individual with the slightest hint of leftist tendencies be allowed in the city.