U.S. - A concerning rise in test scores, independent thinking, and intelligence has been attributed to public schools being shut down across the nation.

A recent study found that every day public schools have remained closed has been another day that students have become happier, better adjusted, and more likely to think for themselves. Public school teachers in particular are worried by this study, as it puts their jobs of indoctrinating our kids to think exactly like them in jeopardy.

"This is really troubling," said seventh-grade teacher Amy Balder. "We must reopen the schools immediately before this spike in independent thought gets any worse. Students are just going to go believe anything out there willy-nilly and not just whatever I tell them. I mean, what if they discover that they can just go online and research subjects for themselves? We have a real disaster on our hands here."

"But still, I think our schools should remain closed for at least another year or two. Can't be too careful. Yes, I'm a brave warrior for our kids, but I am also really worried that something might happen to me."