Sports
Orioles Sign Dr. Fauci To Improve Bullpen

BALTIMORE, MD—After witnessing Dr. Fauci throw a pitch approximately 50 feet outside the strike zone Thursday, the Baltimore Orioles scrambled to sign the "nation's doctor" in order to improve their bullpen.

"We could really use more of this kind of accuracy," said one pitching coach as he reviewed footage of Dr. Fauci hurling the ball "just a bit outside." "Fauci's the kind of guy you want to sign to a long-term, multi-million-dollar contract, since he'll be such a good influence on the other pitchers in our lineup. He can coach the younger guys and help them get their pitches under control, maybe even within a few dozen yards of the plate, given some time and practice."

Dr. Fauci said he was thrilled to become part of the Orioles' organization. His official projection model is that Baltimore will win aproximately 10 million games this season with his help.

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