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U.S. — Health Secretary RFK Jr promised to make Americans healthier by ordering a thorough review of airline chemtrails to ensure that they don't contain any seed oils.
"That's right, we will only have wholesome, organic chemtrails in this country," said RFK Jr. to a crowd of health-conscious supporters. "For too long, our skies have been polluted by airplanes that leave those ghastly criss-crossy white streaks across the sky, containing God-knows-what. Probably red 40 and canola oil. That changes today."
Sources confirmed that RFK Jr. would have military aircraft fly behind airliners with large devices to collect large samples of chemtrails for analysis. Airlines will be required to remove all unhealthy ingredients or face heavy fines.
"Just imagine, we've been going outside thinking we were breathing the fresh air, not even knowing we were inhaling vegetable oil dispersed by a 747," RFK Jr. continued. "With these new reforms, you'll be able to look up into the sky and no longer fear those white streaks that come out of planes for some reason."
At publishing time, the Department of Health and Human Services had claimed total victory as the latest tests found no seed oils or artificial dyes in the chemtrails.
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