EVANSVILLE, IN — Troubling reports circulated today that your retired parents, who have completely open calendars, wanted to know why you can't just put your eight children in a car and drive 3,000 miles to see them more often.
The news reportedly stemmed from your parents' desire to see you and your kids more regularly, which they assumed would be a simple matter of taking a week or two off from your job, piling your children into your vehicle, and making an arduous trek across the country.
"We don't see what's keeping you from coming out more often," said your mother. "We'd love to see you and spend some time with the kids. We're totally available at any time. Why don't you just come on out here and see us? Surely, it's not that complicated."
Your father, who took a total of four days off from work in 40 years before retiring and never took you on a road trip anywhere, expressed confusion as to why you can't haul your family on a transcontinental journey. "Just come and visit," he said. "It only takes a couple of days of driving to get here, then we can spend a couple of weeks enjoying you and the kids. After that, you'll be back home after another couple of days of driving. You really should do it more often."
At publishing time, your parents were reportedly stocking up on toys that make loud noises or have eight million little pieces to send home with your kids the next time you visit.
Meet John Larson, a paraplegic firefighter who is breaking barriers with the LAFD.