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Rest Of Worship Band Dwarfed By Guitarist's Massive Amplifier

LOS ANGELES, CA—According to audience members at Rapids of Life Church, worship guitarist Jimmy “Page” Brenton’s new amplifier, debuted Sunday morning, “completely dwarfs” the rest of the worship band, and further obscures the sanctuary’s state-of-the-art projection system, laser show, and intricate mood lighting.

Brenton’s amplifier, a custom-built Marshall half stack, stands at over 35 feet tall and takes an industrial forklift to move onto the stage each Sunday morning.

“I may have gone a little overboard,” Brenton admitted as he climbed a 25-foot ladder to adjust the gigantic gain knob. “But really, if Jesus is worthy of our utmost praise and worship, He’s worthy of the very loudest guitar solos possible.”

According to Brenton, the worship guitarist of six months shopped around for an amplifier “worthy of the Savior,” but soon came to the conclusion that he’d have to custom-build an amplification monstrosity “to the glory of God.”

“I’ve already got my custom-made pedal board with over two dozen effects that I never use, so I’m tapped out in that area. Greater amplification was the way to go,” said the guitarist who knows exactly four chords.

At publishing time, Brenton had discovered he had inadvertently kicked off an “amplifier arms race,” as the church’s bassist revealed he was putting the finishing touches on a massive bass amp slightly bigger than Brenton’s.

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