WASHINGTON, D.C. — After experiencing mixed results in recent election cycles, the Republican Party has devised a new strategy in which its members will publicly tear each other down and divide its voter base while Democrats sit silently and reap the benefits.
"It's time to really teach ourselves a thing or two," said Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan. "Putting on a united front and all coalescing to push toward a common goal sounds really great on the surface, but we have a feeling splitting the party into warring factions is really the way to go this time around."
With many issues dividing party members and the 2024 GOP Presidential primary season ramping up, conservative voters have the distinct privilege of watching the party that most closely represents their values devolving into a toxic wasteland of petty arguments and lack of direction. "It's really inspiring to see the total destruction of the party right as the country is in a downward spiral," said voter Ryan Kitchen. "Who wants to see a party united behind traditional American values? Give us blood! Fight each other to the death!"
When reached for comment, Democrat leaders had little to say. "We find no fault in the Republican strategy whatsoever," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "In fact, if our esteemed colleagues in the GOP would like any help with tearing each other down, we'd be happy to help. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sit down with a bag of popcorn and enjoy the show."
At publishing time, GOP members were waiting patiently for Trump or DeSantis to make their next public statement so the base could grow even more divided.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
