WASHINGTON, D.C. — Biden sought to calm fears over his health following a nasty spill on stage last week in an address to the nation, which he delivered while wearing a blue padded helmet.

"Listen, folks, thanks to this nifty new hat I'm wearing, you don't have to worry about my health or safety anymore," said the President. "I've already fallen twelve times this morning and didn't feel anything! I feel fit as a fiddle and ready for my luncheon with Eleanor Roosevelt this afternoon! Not a joke!"

Sources within the White House say they have taken further precautions to protect the president from damage related to his lack of coordination, arthritis, peripheral neuropathy, dementia, incontinence, cancer, and shingles--including limiting the President's work day to 30 minutes in the morning and wrapping him in bubble wrap whenever they transport him. "Nothing to worry about here," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "I have never seen a more healthy person in my entire life."

At publishing time, the White House was forced to take further precautions after the President attempted to eat his new helmet.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.