WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark bipartisan agreement, both Republican and Democrat leaders have agreed to accept the results of the 2022 election and not claim everything was rigged — as long as their side wins.
"I am proud that we can come together around the shared principle that we should not undermine American faith in our elections unless we lose," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "If we can't agree to that, democracy is finished. It's also finished if we lose due to a rigged election. But we won't call it a 'rigged election.' Unless we lose. Then we will. Democracy!"
Senator Mitch McConnell voiced his agreement from Juno Beach, Florida, where he was laying a batch of eggs in the sand.
President Biden applauded the pact in a speech last night, where he promised the American people it would take weeks and weeks to count all the ballots until they could be sure nothing was rigged or anything like that. "We must guard against the 100 million MEGA-MAGA fascists who want to steal our elections by winning them," he said. "Bardle-wiggenflomp. Come here, little girl! Come on, man!" He then clambered up a nearby telephone pole as he forgot he was a human and not a raccoon.
At publishing time, both parties agreed to not celebrate political violence unless it was "really, really necessary."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
