WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senate Republicans agreed to allow the FBI to investigate claims made against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, "as long as it's wrapped up by the time Matlock comes on tonight."
Republicans claim the time period until the next rerun of the legal drama comes on should be "plenty of time" for the FBI to conduct a thorough investigation.
"I don't want to be sitting there all ready to find out what Andy Griffith's up to this time just to get interrupted with a phone call or two from the Bureau," said Senator Chuck Grassley. "I'd prefer we have this all done already, but if it's important enough to Senator Flake, we'll go ahead and give the FBI, oh, three or four hours to investigate these claims."
Grassley then checked the clock and realized he had to go to make the lunch price at Golden Corral before zipping home for Matlock .
At publishing time, Republican senators had allowed for an extension in the investigation, as long as it's all done by the time Columbo comes on Sunday night. "Oh, and one more thing: we'll give ya till Sunday," they said.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.