U.S. — A shocking report has revealed that there are still people clinging to atheism in spite of the well-documented existence of breakfast burritos.
"How could a rational being possibly deny the existence of a loving God after taking a bite of an egg and chorizo burrito?" questioned famed Christian philosopher Alvin Plantinga as he poured on the salsa. "The evidence is simply overwhelming."
While theologians and philosophers have long sought to logically prove God's existence, the advent of the breakfast burrito has now rendered all previous argumentation moot. "I wasted decades defending the 'Five Ways' of Thomas Aquinas to prove God's existence, when all along the answer was wrapped up in a warm tortilla," said Plantinga. "The ontological argument simply cannot hold a candle to holding the essence of goodness in your hands, all wrapped in foil."
Incredibly, a small subsection of humanity continues to maintain atheist beliefs in the face of staggering evidence to the contrary. "We suspect these poor souls have simply never had a good breakfast burrito," said evangelist Ray Comfort. "Which explains why there are a lot more atheists up in the northern states - and even more in Canada. The harvest is plentiful, but those who would open a breakfast burrito stand in Canada are few!"
At publishing time, thousands of Canadians had reportedly converted to Christianity after Mr. Comfort completed a 24-hour drive to bring Texas-made breakfast burritos across the northern border.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: