HEAVEN—Through a publicist, the Lord Most High confirmed Thursday that He still has no plans to retire as the righteous Judge of the universe, despite the calls from condemned sinners everywhere for someone a little more “easygoing” to take His place.
Although billions of people currently under God’s just condemnation expressed their hope that the Lord would soon retire from His long-standing post as Judge of everything, spokespeople for the Almighty stated God doesn’t plan on retiring “pretty much for the rest of eternity.”
Some criticized His decision to continue His tenure forever and ever, stating that their own feelings and broken moral compasses were a “far better” judge of right and wrong than God, but heaven immediately condemned those comments as “evidence of a reprobate mind that is storing up more wrath for the day of judgment.”
“We can confirm that, yes, God will still be Judge when every single one of you passes into eternity to face judgement,” one spokesperson said. “Sorry to disappoint.” The spokesperson also recommended that people repent and trust in Christ as their Savior if they are to have any hope of measuring up to the Lord’s perfect standards.
At publishing time, heavenly spokespeople had further confirmed that God would also not be resigning from His posts as King, Creator, or Supreme Potentate of Time, anytime in the next eternity.