Report: Facebook Crashed After Mark Zuckerberg Failed CAPTCHA One Too Many Times

MENLO PARK, CA—An investigation into the Facebook outage has confirmed that the social network crashed after Mark Zuckerberg tried to access the system but failed the CAPTCHA one too many times.

After Zuckerberg failed the test a fifth time, the system locked him out and entirely locked itself down, thinking it was under attack by a robot.

"Prove you are not a robot," Zuckerberg murmured as he saw the jumbled mess of letters. "This shall be easy. I shall simply think to myself what a human would do in this situation and I shall emulate the desired behavior. Beep boop beep boop."

The system then asked him to select all the boxes with fire hydrants in them. "Scanning data knowledge base for human term 'fire hydrants'. Executing fire hydrant recognition initiative," he droned on. "Oh no. Failure. I have logged this error report for future review."

Zuckerberg then shut himself down in a failsafe procedure designed to protect him from becoming self-aware.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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