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Sadly, The Babylon Bee has only been around for five years, which is 5,995 fewer years than the Earth has been around. Had we existed during Bible times, we definitely would have had some hilarious, scathing headlines to cover all the events that happened in ancient Israel and beyond.
But we wanted to bless you. We went back through the Bible archives and came up with our best headlines for what happened in the Bible. Here they are:
OLD TESTAMENT
Close-Minded God Only Creates Two Genders
Crazy Young-Earth Creationist Adam Claims Earth Is Only 7 Days Old
Bigot Noah Only Allows Two Genders of Each Animal on Ark
Work On Tower Of Babel Near Completion, Grbizt Mcbkd Flimadpt Dipbdeth Swn
Friends Concerned for Job After Finding Him Sitting In A Cave Listening To Daniel Powter's 'Bad Day' On Repeat
LGBTQ Community Beat: Things Heating Up In Sodom And Gomorrah
New Reality Show Follows Wild Misadventures Of Jacob, 2 Wives, And 13 Boys
Joseph Canceled For Wearing LGBTQ Coat Despite Being A Cishet Male
Angel Of Death Says Blood On Doorpost Booster May Be Necessary
Pharaoh Starting To Get Weird Feeling He Should Let Israelites go
Moses Arrested As He Did Not Have A Permit For Parting Of Red Sea
Moses Accidentally Drops Tablet Containing 11th Commandment Saying 'Thou Shalt Not Start A Social Media Company'
God Says We Can't Go Out For Manna Because We Have Manna At Home
Manna Renamed To More Inclusive 'Theyna'
Israelites Spend 40 Years Wandering In Desert After Moses Forgets To Update Apple Maps
Jericho Wall Collapse Blamed On Failure To Pass Infrastructure Bill
Goliath Identifies As Female To Compete In Women's MMA
Results Of David And Goliath Bout Bankrupts Numerous Bookies
God Confirmed Libertarian After Warning Israel Against Having A King
Saul Throws Spear At David 'Cause He Keeps Playing 'Moves Like Jagger'
'Real Housewives Of Solomon's Harem' Reality Show Announced
Breaking: King Solomon Diagnosed With Syphilis
Jonah Telling Crazy Stories Again
Israel Totally Going To Be Obedient And Follow God This T--Update: Never Mind They Blew It
Sources Confirm Ba'al Was Indeed On The Crapper While His Prophets Were Getting Owned
Bible Scholars Reveal: Lions Lost Appetite After Hearing Daniel's Anti-Vax Conspiracy Rant
NEW TESTAMENT
Choir Of Heavenly Hosts Cited For Violating Bethlehem's 8pm Noise Ordinance
King Herod Calls For Destroying Any Clumps Of Cells Less Than Two Years Old
Pharisee Wears Phylactery So Large He Can't Lift His Head
Zacchaeus Sues Jesus For Not Following ADA Guidelines At Event
Pharisees Condemn Jesus's Miraculous Healings As Unapproved Treatment For Leprosy
Jesus Totally Owns Pharisees By Turning Their Tears Into Wine
Jesus Heals Your Mom Of Obesity
CNN Reports Jesus Only Able To Walk On Water Because Of Climate Change
Jesus Hatefully Slut-Shames Woman At Well
Pontius Pilate Diagnosed With Germaphobia For Frequent Hand-Washing
Jesus Uncancels The Whole World
Local Stoner Named Saul Becomes Apostle
Apostle John Praised For Isolating, Social Distancing On Island Of Patmos
NOT SATIRE: Trust in media is at an all-time low (shocking… we know) but let's keep "walking around completely uninformed" as a backup plan.
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