Here Are All The Headlines The Babylon Bee Would Have Written If We Were Around In Bible Times
Sponsored · Oct 4, 2021 ·

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Sadly, The Babylon Bee has only been around for five years, which is 5,995 fewer years than the Earth has been around. Had we existed during Bible times, we definitely would have had some hilarious, scathing headlines to cover all the events that happened in ancient Israel and beyond.

But we wanted to bless you. We went back through the Bible archives and came up with our best headlines for what happened in the Bible. Here they are:




Close-Minded God Only Creates Two Genders 


Crazy Young-Earth Creationist Adam Claims Earth Is Only 7 Days Old


Bigot Noah Only Allows Two Genders of Each Animal on Ark


Work On Tower Of Babel Near Completion, Grbizt Mcbkd Flimadpt Dipbdeth Swn


Friends Concerned for Job After Finding Him Sitting In A Cave Listening To Daniel Powter's 'Bad Day' On Repeat


LGBTQ Community Beat: Things Heating Up In Sodom And Gomorrah


New Reality Show Follows Wild Misadventures Of Jacob, 2 Wives, And 13 Boys


Joseph Canceled For Wearing LGBTQ Coat Despite Being A Cishet Male


Angel Of Death Says Blood On Doorpost Booster May Be Necessary


Pharaoh Starting To Get Weird Feeling He Should Let Israelites go


Moses Arrested As He Did Not Have A Permit For Parting Of Red Sea


Moses Accidentally Drops Tablet Containing 11th Commandment Saying 'Thou Shalt Not Start A Social Media Company'


God Says We Can't Go Out For Manna Because We Have Manna At Home


Manna Renamed To More Inclusive 'Theyna'


Israelites Spend 40 Years Wandering In Desert After Moses Forgets To Update Apple Maps


Jericho Wall Collapse Blamed On Failure To Pass Infrastructure Bill


Goliath Identifies As Female To Compete In Women's MMA


Results Of David And Goliath Bout Bankrupts Numerous Bookies


God Confirmed Libertarian After Warning Israel Against Having A King


Saul Throws Spear At David 'Cause He Keeps Playing 'Moves Like Jagger'


'Real Housewives Of Solomon's Harem' Reality Show Announced 


Breaking: King Solomon Diagnosed With Syphilis


Jonah Telling Crazy Stories Again


Israel Totally Going To Be Obedient And Follow God This T--Update: Never Mind They Blew It


Sources Confirm Ba'al Was Indeed On The Crapper While His Prophets Were Getting Owned


Bible Scholars Reveal: Lions Lost Appetite After Hearing Daniel's Anti-Vax Conspiracy Rant




Choir Of Heavenly Hosts Cited For Violating Bethlehem's 8pm Noise Ordinance


King Herod Calls For Destroying Any Clumps Of Cells Less Than Two Years Old


Pharisee Wears Phylactery So Large He Can't Lift His Head


Zacchaeus Sues Jesus For Not Following ADA Guidelines At Event


Pharisees Condemn Jesus's Miraculous Healings As Unapproved Treatment For Leprosy


Jesus Totally Owns Pharisees By Turning Their Tears Into Wine


Jesus Heals Your Mom Of Obesity


CNN Reports Jesus Only Able To Walk On Water Because Of Climate Change


Jesus Hatefully Slut-Shames Woman At Well


Pontius Pilate Diagnosed With Germaphobia For Frequent Hand-Washing


Jesus Uncancels The Whole World 


Local Stoner Named Saul Becomes Apostle 


Apostle John Praised For Isolating, Social Distancing On Island Of Patmos

NOT SATIRE: Trust in media is at an all-time low (shocking… we know) but let's keep "walking around completely uninformed" as a backup plan.

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