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Report: Children's Bible Skips All The Good Stuff

CINCINNATI, OH—A report from local 6-year-old Oliver Landon suggested Monday that the children’s Bible he received from his parents “skips all the good stuff.”

The boy excitedly tore into the new picture Bible he got for his birthday, but was disappointed to discover that all the “juicy parts” were skipped over or rewritten to be more appropriate for children.

“The conquest of Canaan? Jael and the tent peg? Shamgar ganking a bunch of Philistines with an oxgoad?” the boy said, arms crossed. “Nowhere to be found. Anything I might be interested in—blood, fighting, guts—is just glossed over.” The boy added that while the book did include a retelling of Noah’s escape from the Flood, there were no graphic images of the millions of people killed by the wrath of God in the narrative.

“And don’t get me started on Song of Solomon. Completely gutted in this bad boy!” he continued. “This is a travesty!”

At publishing time, the boy had snuck into his parents’ room and taken their Bible in order to read “the good stuff.”

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