U.S. — With several areas across the globe battling record high temperatures, Americans have graciously offered to help by turning their air conditioning down to 65 degrees and opening the windows.
Several European counties, unable to afford air conditioning due to their technological ignorance and desperate poverty, have begged for someone to step up and save them. Once again, America is coming to the rescue.
"Well, well. Look who needs America to save them again," said local man Ben Fields. "Poor Europe, whining about climate change, when we have a machine that changes the climate inside every house. It's no problem to help. This is just what America does. I am ready and willing to crack a window, throw on a coat in the middle of summer, and lower my thermostat down to 65 degrees, if that's what it takes to save Europe's keister yet again. You're welcome, Europe."
Millions of Americans have heroically taken up the call to cool off the globe by opening up windows while running their HVAC systems nonstop. "We are all doing our part," said local woman Julia Guiton, huddled under a blanket. "It's really inspiring to see the U.S. come together like this to save poor, hapless Europe. Brr! I think I'm going to go put on my jammies."
At publishing time, Americans had also begun helping by putting even more ice in their iced tea.
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