WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.
Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, "What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?"
"It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal," read an opinion piece published on Politico. "We want justices who don't have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know - justice."
The writer went on to compare the Catholic judge's actions to "something out of The Handmaid's Tale," stating that if the United States doesn't start vetting judges for extremist positions like being a member of one of the world's largest religions, "we will soon be living in a theonomy."
At publishing time, Politico had uncovered damning evidence that Kavanaugh likes baseball, Chevrolet, and apple pie.