HOUSTON, TX—According to sources at Narratives Church Sunday, several relief preachers began warming up in the church’s bullpen as teaching pastor Jed Marco was having trouble closing out the altar call to finish the church service.
Beads of sweat began to form on the pastor’s brow as it became evident no one was going to come forward, and visibly agitated head deacon Charlie Baker reportedly made the call to get the relief preachers warm.
“He’s dying up there. Get Weaver and Hastings ready,” Baker grunted into the phone, before signalling for Marco to try one more desperate pitch of salvation. Backstage, the church’s best relief preachers began practicing their very best salvation pitches, getting ready for their chance to close out the church’s Sunday service.
Onstage, Pastor Marco got one last chance to save the day.
“What about your loved ones?” Pastor Marco said hesitantly, clearly shaken by his inability to find the guilt zone. “Don’t you want to see your dear grandparents when you die? Come forward, Jesus won’t wait forever.”
“That’s it, we’re pulling him,” Baker growled as no one came forward and he made the sign for a preaching change.
Marco got a standing ovation, in spite of his poor performance, before the church’s lights-out closer Jared Hastings arrived on stage and got three quick commitments to Christ to end the service, sources confirmed.