U.S. — The Department of Justice has released the redacted affidavit leading to the search of former president Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago, and it appears every single word was blacked out except three in the middle: ORANGE MAN BAD.
According to Justice Department insiders, after looking into Mr. Trump's dealings and listening to his phone calls for the past four years, they were left with only one conclusion: the orange man is bad.
"We think this gives us sufficient reason to raid Mr. Trump's home, take his passports, and steal his wife's clothes," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "The evidence is clear: the orange man is bad and must be stopped at all costs."
"Now, if all the reporters here today would join me in our customary chant: ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN BAD!" The reporters dutifully obliged.
At publishing time, the Justice Department had agreed to declassify more of the document, showing the final line was just, "REEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
