BURLINGAME, CA—Local Christian Tim Kabara has grown extremely bored during this whole Coronavirus quarantine thing. He has already watched every show on Netflix, done 6,000 push-ups, and read every book on his shelf—every book except for his dusty old Bible.
Kabara grew up in a conservative Christian family and goes to church every Sunday, so it only makes sense that this is the only book on his shelf that hasn’t been read. He is actually quite surprised that it’s still up there.
“Okay, fine,” Kabara said to himself—and to his grandpa, who is in Catholic heaven. “Let's open this bad boy up, see what’s in here.” Amazed, Kabara read the Good Book for nearly six hours straight.
“Wow, so that’s the book of Genesis,” Kabara said to himself. “Only 820 pages left! I can’t wait to tell all my friends about this!”
It took Kabara a full sixteen hours of quarantine to read the Five Books of Moses, but after that, taking the advice of a good Jewish friend, he just skipped on over to the New Testament.
Kabara is now an entirely new person, thanks to the Coronavirus quarantine forcing him to read the Bible. He has learned some new things, like how to betray your friends, how to get away with murder, and whose feet to wash in an emergency.
Kabara knows deep down that if it weren’t for this year’s Coronavirus, he would have never read the Bible at all. So he did something he hasn’t done since that home run in sixth grade—he thanked God. “Thank you God, for bringing us the Coronavirus.”
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.