RICHMOND, VA—A local 5th-grade class started classes this morning by standing and reciting the pledge of allegiance to Dr. Fauci, as is now the cherished custom.
"Ritual is important for a sense of security and normalcy, and also to ensure these kids swear their undying allegiance to Dr. Fauci, who is the living embodiment of science and our hope for the future," said 5th-grade teacher Mrs. Scuttlebumm. "We will start every day this way until science hears us and saves us all."
With their hands over their hearts, the class recited the pledge together in perfect monotone unison:
"I pledge allegiance, to the Fauci,
Of the United States of America.
And to the Democracy, for which he stands,
One nation, under SCIENCE, Anti-racist,
With obedience, responsibility, and collective
safety for all."
Once the terrible pandemic has subsided, teachers will then replace the Fauci pledge with a pledge to Mother Gaia.