KENOSHA, WI—Prosecutors in the Kyle Rittenhouse murder trial have asked the judge to declare a mistrial after the defense team produced clear video evidence of Rittenhouse defending himself against a wave of violent Communists.
"This isn't fair!" said the prosecuting attorney. "This clear, undeniable video evidence of Rittenhouse epically sending wave after wave of zombie-like Antifa thugs back to the abyss from whence they came—entirely in self-defense, we might add—has permanently tainted this case."
Sources say that as the video played, the entire court oohed and ahhed at the sight of the epic chad Kyle Rittenhouse defending the safety of his friends and neighbors against "a bloodthirsty horde of white Commies and child molesters" who were trying to burn down the city.
As the video faded to black, the entire jury rose to their feet in applause, chanting "KYLE! KYLE! KYLE!"
The prosecutors have requested a retrial in Serbia where they don't speak English or have video screens to play video evidence. "If we don't do this," they said, "white supremacy has won."
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.