U.S.—According to sources, a small band of guerrilla journalists known as Project Veritas is coming under fire for practicing actual journalism.
"Apparently these guys didn't get the memo that 'journalism' is just a funny word we made up so people will think we're important and listen to us," said CNN President Jeff Zucker after hours of his morning conference calls were leaked by Project Veritas. "These guys actually think journalists are supposed to do journalism when everyone knows that journalists are just here to write the narrative that serves our own agenda! These guys are doing it all wrong!"
Brian Stelter wept uncontrollably after hearing the news of the leaks. "Who do these so-called 'journalists' think they are?" he said. "They don't wear nice suits or have expensive sets. They don't even dox random private citizens!"
Sources say that this strange group of citizen journalists has somehow been able to find incredible news stories about corruption and criminality without any of the resources of massive news corporations.
"We're not sure exactly how they do this, but we're pretty sure it's not real journalism," said Zucker. "Please -- do not pay any attention to them. We're pretty sure they're discredited according to official sources that we endorse. We hope you'll stay tuned to CNN for authoritative news stories on when to get your first colonoscopy and why the orange man is bad."