PORTLAND, OR—Local progressive man William Mollison is currently obediently awaiting CDC instructions on whether or not it's OK for him to inhale and exhale.
The man is standing by, patiently awaiting the latest data on the CDC on if it's OK for him to take a breath. He has been vaccinated, but still double-masks and isolates from all civilization, pending the CDC instructions on that. He hasn't hugged his family in over a year, because, again, the CDC had come down against that dangerous activity.
"I trust the science, so I'm going to keep holding my breath until the CDC tells me otherwise," he said, his face turning blue. "You can't be too careful. We need to stay home, stay safe, mask up, and hold our breath until Dr. Fauci -- may he live forever -- gives us our next instructions."
"I... hope... they... give... us... instructions... soon!" he managed to get out.
Finally, Mollison passed out from holding his breath. He was immediately arrested and hauled away by CDC Breathing Enforcement soldiers for his crimes. But Mollison says he's glad to take the fall "for science."