AUSTIN, TX - According to sources on Twitter, a local progressive pastor is reassuring her nervous parishioners after one of them accidentally got ahold of the book of Revelation. Reverend Delba Von Fritz spoke to her church after they found themselves so convicted of sin and fearful of judgment that they were considering believing in Jesus. 

"Don't worry," said Reverend Von Fritz. "Everyone gets into Heaven so you have nothing to worry about! Except for racists and homophobes. I'm guessing God makes a special exception for those people. But you are all strong voices for social justice and LGBTQ+ issues so you have nothing to fear!"

When someone brought up the frightening and gruesome imagery of the book of Revelation, Von Fritz responded "No, all that stuff is symbolic. The moon turning to blood, darkness, the Lake of Fire, those are all just metaphors for how non-violent and peaceful judgment day will be! Seriously, only racists go to hell." 

"But we're all white which means we're all automatically racist," said one parishioner.

"Oh shoot, I didn't think about that," replied Von Fritz. "Can you let me see that Bible for a minute?"