NEW YORK, NY—A violent, angry mob of progressive activists began to go on a rampage throughout New York City Tuesday, tearing down hundreds of street signs with oppressive messages like “One Way.”
Representatives for the protesters claim they are advocating for a more tolerant, relativistic system of traffic control, wherein driving whichever direction best expresses your intersectional identity is finally accepted by society.
“Who are you to say there’s only one way!?” they screamed as cars instantly began to careen into one another in flurry of burnt rubber and shattered glass behind them. “All ways are equally valid, bigots!” As they tore more and more “One Way” signs down throughout the area, more and more traffic collisions continued to follow in their wake.
At one point, the growing mob stopped to boo and jeer at a large, red “Wrong Way” sign positioned near a freeway off-ramp, cautioning cars not to drive down the left-hand side of a dangerous highway. Finally, the anger of the crowd boiled over, and they tore the sign down with a chain and harness, shouting, “Death to oppression!”
At publishing time, the mob was spotted replacing “patriarchal” stop signs with soothing green “Go For It As Long As You Don’t Hurt Anyone” signs.